why do i continue to be attracted to losers?

tomorrow marks the first first of september that i am not enrolled in school. feeling useless and uneducated!

like doesn’t really matter though, at all. my town and most of vermont just went though a serious disaster, i’ve never seen such damage before. going downtown is painful. the unfortunate just got more unfortunate. houses displaced, junk everywhere. pets and pictures lost. there are a handful of towns that are completely isolated and have been getting food from helicopters. obama was here yesterday, fema is here today. dog river farm, where i work, is like a graveyard. i did some cleanup crew crap this morning, we found golf carts and RVs on the river’s banks. someone’s sandal was on a log. a dead cat was in the squash. our chicken coop floated half way across the field, on its side, and only half of the chickens made it. my poor boss—this is the second flood of the summer.

go climate change!

in a pond and in a field.

i’m nine or ten in delaware visiting my dad’s family, at the beach. that was that aspiring age, trying to act at least like a teenager, remember? country bumpkin rose notices all of the girls in two pieces, triangle tops at that, and begs her aunt to take her to the surf shop to get a new bathing suit. she always took me shopping. of course she says yes, and we drive over there. i’m imagining some tie dye number, halter top, with strings on the bottoms. i find something similar, it was multi-colored rattle snake pattern, somewhat shiny. i run to the dressing room after checking with my aunt that it was a good choice. she says try it on. i’m kind of hesitant to strip behind this towel-curtain thing, but off come my soccer shorts and fundraiser t-shirt, on goes this stringy thing that really accentuated my prepubescent curves. it sagged, somehow. i remember turning and checking myself out from over my shoulder and seeing a nearly bare back. it was uncomfortable, vulnerable. i’m nine or ten. i go back to the beach with my one piece swim team suit.

so my dad walks in on me having a threesome with some crack whore from upstate and my friend from high school. my dad banged on the door and knocked it down, this nasty chick started to laugh from underneath the sheets and i poked my pops in the eye with my boner. it was only four in the fucking afternoon. she was sober and got kicked out of my dads house, pipe and all. my stepmom heard her moaning and that’s how i got caught. i’m pretty sure my dad thinks im gay now, though.

bored and angry that im bored and becoming a slut because im bored.

also i realized today that my ideal occupation would be a music producer. that’s all.

its been a little over a month since graduation. i made it back to the city this weekend, finally. i’m really happy that i had the opportunity to see friends and family, but what i’m really fortunate for is the fact that new york is accessible to me. it’s a great city. it makes me feel bubbly. maybe it’s the summer time, or that i don’t live there, or that i had sex, but i didn’t feel bad at all for the 50 hours-ish in new york. not once. not even when i was sleeping on a half-way pulled out sofa chair bed thing for three hours. i hope that people living there now realize how lucky they are to be in such a place.